Thank You, Tinder
… and goodbye forever.
Romanjalee Lourdes
4.20.21
It’s been exactly one year since Tinder and I parted ways — so, perfect timing to write a blog post about why exactly I deleted Tinder.
Let’s start from the beginning: Why did I download Tinder?
So, prior to my freshman year of college, I had a goal ( prepare yourselves): I wanted to date a frat boy, and I wanted him to break my heart. Yes, you read that correctly. I mean, could you blame me? I went to private school from Preschool- 12th grade — I wanted to feel the same heartbreak I saw in the movies! Shockingly, finding a frat boy to break my heart was quite challenging. I had no clue how to approach boys, and after a few weeks of searching for my future heartbreaker, I gave up.
After a few months had gone by, I was introduced to Tinder. One of my closest friends of almost 17 years had made a profile and convinced me to make my own. I hated the idea at first — the concept of having to tell my future child that I met their father through Tinder, and it was purely physical based, sounded horrid. Regardless, I uploaded my best photos and started innocently swiping.
The first few days were fun, sharing screenshots back and forth with friends of guys I had matched with, funny bios, eye-catching pickup lines; it was a great time waster. But, very fast, what started as innocent swiping, turned into a daily ritual.
Eventually, 20 matches turned into 100, then 300, then 500.
Why? Why was I so addicted to this stupid app?
Validation. Every day, I could wake up, click on the app, and know that no matter how crappy I felt or how disgusting I looked, Brian from Engineering or Matt from Marketing thought I was cute. And that’s all I needed. I based my entire life around validation- this only led to months of feeling lost and confused.
I could write a book on my countless (interesting) tinder moments — all of my close friends have heard an ear-full — but I’m going to save you the time and hit the main points with relevancy to this blog post.
It only took about a month for me to meet my first match. I never thought my first romantic venture with a boy would be in a random home, listening to a one-sided conversation about the importance of fraternity’s ( My interest in frat boys stopped after this (1) experience). After this, my tinder experience skyrocketed. Again, prepare yourselves.
As time progressed, I met a guy that I thought I really liked. We would facetime every day before class and every night before bed. Obviously, being exclusive and communicating feelings in college is totally absurd and unrealistic, so we continued for months with this casual yet serious yet exclusive yet not exclusive relationship (?).
I went on to have countless empty conversations, pretending to be oblivious to the fact that these men only wanted me for the one thing that I refused to give them — sex. If you know anything about me, you know how much I despise hookup culture. It took me two years to admit that maybe looking for love or even temporary validation on a dating app that encourages hookup culture might’ve been a hopeless concept from the start.
Believe it or not, I deleted Tinder many times, but for some reason, I always came back until one day, I deleted it and promised to never come back. So, what was my “final straw” moment?
I felt so lost. Why? I mean, it was everything I ever wanted. It was so simple — one app with hundreds of guys telling me exactly what I wanted to hear.
It was many things.
Repetition, every guy turned out the same, and empty conversations get boring ( I couldn’t keep up with all of their favorite colors). Reliance, I was relying on the opinions of a handful of men to dictate my daily emotions — a dangerous game to play. Toxicity, the whole idea of Tinder, is destined for disaster from the start; it caters to the toxic beliefs that society continues to feed us. Lastly, lack of purpose, besides vacuous compliments, male validation, and momentary joy, I was gaining nothing.
And that was enough for me to say goodbye forever.
So, how has life without Tinder been?
Well, I’m in the best mental state I’ve ever been in my entire life, and my future is filled with ongoing contentedness.
This past year hasn’t been easy, but I learned. I learned, and I learned, and I learned.
Deleting this one app brought me to a life-changing realization.
I had spent the past 7 years of my life running — not just running, chasing. Chasing after romanticized scenarios, temporary feelings, and continued disappointments.
I spent 4 years of high school chasing after the idea of a boy. I confused my infatuation with love and gave the attention and love that I needed for myself to the idea of someone else. My focus wasn’t where it needed to be.
Then, I went on to college and spent the majority of my sophomore year sacrificing crucial moments for that same temporary feeling of fulfillment from a boy. My focus still wasn’t where it needed to be.
Finally, after deleting Tinder last year, I decided to put my focus on one boy. He was everything I ever wanted, but we were committed to two completely different things. I felt myself asking him why- why he didn’t do this, and why he didn’t do that- until I realized that if he wanted to, he would (stupid, overused cliche, I’m sorry! ). And yet again, my focus wasn’t where it needed to be.
3 boys, 3 heartbreaks, and 3 repeated lessons until I finally learned.
It was never about them. That feeling I felt was never from them. It was from within. If I wanted to feel butterflies, I could look in the mirror.
Despite the results, I can’t blame them because they never broke my heart; I broke my own heart. I expected relationship benefits from boys that didn’t want a relationship. What did I expect? Heartbreak was doomed to happen.
There is a happy ending.
My focus is finally on the right thing. My faith, myself, and the people I keep close. After spending all of those years focusing on the wrong things, and straying away from who I really was; I finally put that energy and love into myself. The difference it’s made in my life is the reason I’m writing this blog.
My goal at the end of this is not for you to hate and despise Tinder. Tinder has the potential to be a great app. Regardless of the negatives I’ve experienced, the positives definitely outweigh them. Every guy I’ve met in person through Tinder has been respectful, sweet, and kind. Three of my closest guy friends are happenings because of Tinder. I’ve had great conversations and great connections through the app and highly recommend it- with moderation. If you’re looking for your future husband, It might be a lot harder than you anticipate. But nonetheless, it’s an experience.
If downloading Tinder and having a casual hookup or swiping for fun caters to your needs, then, by all means, do it. Just remember to know yourself first. Know your limits/boundaries, and be able to step away when you know it’s too much.
Many people continue to use Tinder because it’s an “ego-booster,” and that’s okay, but ask yourself why. Why do you need a random person that barely knows themselves to validate you? Why does their validation matter? Seeking validation from any earthly thing will lead you to a lifetime of disappointment.
So, I encourage you to enjoy your singleness — it’s a gift. I touch on this in so many of my blogs, but learn to be independent, learn to love being alone. You’ll gain so much love and knowledge about yourself that will improve your future romantic relationships one day.
I know that if I had Tinder right now, I would handle it a lot better because of how much I have matured and how secure I am in myself, but I don’t see Tinder making a comeback in my future.
I experienced Tinder at such a developmental stage in my life, and although I can feel pity for the naive little girl I once was, I can find peace and pride in the fact that now I’m the girl she’s always wanted to be.
I never thought I’d be saying these words, but thank you, Tinder.
Without Tinder, I wouldn’t have learned so many of the valuable things I now know. I honestly wouldn’t be as independent and strong as I am. And, I wouldn’t have met the amazing people that I did ( Yes, it was all worth it for the few good ones). My mom always tells me that “everything happens for a reason,” and I think that mantra fits this moment. It all happened for a reason, and I am thankful.
